Back to Work Blues

It was inevitable that the dreaded November 2nd would eventually catch up to me and I would have to rejoin the ranks as a working mom. It came, I cried, and cried some more...two weeks later I can't say that I am over it, I guess I've just gotten numb to it. Rather than crying in the morning, my new routine consists of crying in the evening after I pick up my little guy. I really thought that when I picked Kai up at "school" the first day that he would greet me with a big huge smile. You know, the smile that I've worked hard to capture a picture of. The smile that melts my heart and lifts my sorrows. Nope, that wasn't the case. I swear I am not this naive. Kai pretty much acted like he didn't know me, sort of like Bentley does after a weekend away at doggy day care. I really wondered if Bentley got to Kai first and taught him this. All of my kids, 4 legged or two legged have already aligned forces. Yeah so that pretty much broke my heart that he didn't seem to have any noticeable bond to me. The last three months I've been sort of secretly relishing that I was Kai's best friend and that I could sooth him in a second. That's not the case anymore...in one short day at school we are no longer BFF's. If the truth be told, I've wondered if his teachers have wondered if he's unhappy at home. I've tried different approaches to the pick up routine, but ultimately as soon as I pick him up he cries. Not only does this break my heart, it brings back vivid memories of the feeling I get when I pick up other infants and they cry as soon I pick them up. For clarification purposes, Kai's cry isn't just some subtle whimpering it's an inconsolable cry. If I didn't feel guilty enough before, it's in full force now.

10 Weeks...clock won't you please slow down...

Kai is ten weeks old today. Where did the time go? I hate to overuse this statement, but I still can't get my arms around how fast the time has gone by since Kai was born. As it gets closer to the end of my maternity leave it seems that time speeds up even faster and the lump in my throat grows even bigger. I'm absolutely dreading going back to work. Everyone tells me that this is normal, but I truly wish it didn't have to be the norm. I've never wanted to spend so much time with someone in my life. I've never gushed over anyone or anything as much in my life. I'm very happy being a mother. I like this new role. I love my new label. Not a lot of people know this about me, but up until a few years ago I never thought I wanted children. In fact, when Constant and I first started dating I told him that I didn't want kids so if that was something that he wanted in his life that he should consider not dating me. I guess I've always feared not being a good parent. I feared that I would always be selfish and choose satisfying myself first over the needs of my child. I didn't want to be this kind of parent. Clearly my desires changed about having a child. Though ten weeks into it, I'm still scared as hell of not being a good parent, I look forward to this journey and am ready for the challenge. Being a mother is the hardest job that I've ever had. The most gratifying, but certainly the most difficult and it's only just begun. For the last ten years, I've devoted myself to building my career and ended up working in a male dominated defense industry. Let me tell you, the men that I work with in these senior positions have nothing on mothers. I'm saddened  that mothers don't earn the same amount of respect and not even close to the paycheck. I would give my career up in heart beat to stay home with my little guy. Money can't buy smiles like this one.

At Kai's two month appointment yesterday (10 weeks old) he weighed in at 12lbs 12 oz. He grew two inches and is now 23.5 inches. They measured his head in inches yesterday and it was 15 inches. I have yet to do the conversion to cm's. He also had the dtap and the rotavirus vaccinations. These were his first shots. It killed me to give them to him, but he seemed to handle them like a champ.



Look at this Sweet Beauty

My very favorite photographer, Michelle, of La Bella Luce Photography captured these precious pictures of my little angel back in August. I am so thankful that I found Michelle (actually thank you Joanne D and Facebook for connecting us). There have been many times in my life that I've said "Damn, I wish I would have done that/captured that/said that, etc"...this is one of those times that I followed through and am ever so grateful that I did.  These are some absolutely amazing pictures and I tear up when I look at them. I can't believe my baby is so precious!! I can't wait to to show Kai's future wife these pictures!!
Not only do I have precious memories to look back on, I had the opportunity to also meet an amazing and extremely talented woman who has inspired to me to seek out my true passion in life.

Here are some of my favorites and please respect La Bella Luce Photography and the copyright!

Where did the Time Go?

Kai is 9 weeks old and I am not sure where the time went. I have so many things that I wanted to share, but frankly finding time to think these days is nearly impossible and getting on the computer is definitely and act of god. Yesterday in one of our only outings over the last nine weeks we went to Target. On the way home, driving Constant's "new to us" wagon,  I was thinking about how my life has changed since Kai was born. One thing that immediately came to mind is that I have become so much more appreciative and truly thankful for the small things. I've been very blessed in my life. Though I always said I was thankful and yes, intellectually I do realize that I have been blessed, I'm not sure if I ever truly internally felt blessed. I think in fact I took things for granted.  I'm not sure if anyone will know what I mean...maybe I am having one of those weird mom moments. For example, Kai went back to sleep after his 8am feeding this morning and I have a couple of minutes to myself. I am so incredibly thankful for those couple of minutes. Those extra minutes gave me time to drink my coffee like the old days...you know with passion, savoring each drink. These days I drink my coffee with purpose truly needing the caffeine to fuel my day. This is just one tiny example of how my life has changed and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Photo by La Bella Luce Photography

Almost 6 Weeks After Kai's Arrival

I've been trying to update my blog for nearly 6 weeks now. It's absolutely amazing how fast the days go by now. I've given in to the fact that anything that I do between the hours of 7am and 6pm will be done one handed. I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure how it is possible that it's nearly six weeks since Kai was born. I have so much to talk about and so much to share...my thoughts race to figure out where to start while I eye the monitor wondering how many minutes to myself I will have before my little angel needs me.

Being a mother is the most amazing gift I have ever received. I'm not sure if this feeling will ever change, but I look at my little man in pure disbelief that I helped to create him. Having a child is certainly an absolute miracle and truly a gift.

The last six weeks have been both the most amazing and most difficult journey I have ever been on.  Every day is filled with wonder...for both of us I think.

Kai is really not the quiet baby I expected him to be. I imagined that he would basically eat and sleep all day. I never really thought he would cry too much and I certainly never thought that I would describe my child as being fussy. I sort of envisioned myself as that cool, collected and put together mother who had the perfect baby. Though I do think that Kai is perfect, life with him hasn't really been as I expected or planned. Kai taught me very early on in our relationship that he was now in control and every thing that I did or thought about during the day would be dictated by him. It's amazing how that happened.

Let's talk about breast feeding...definitely a lot harder than I ever imagined. I'm really thankful that I took the time and went to a series of La Leche League meetings prior to having Kai and have good friends like Katie to be a support system. I am pretty certain that if I hadn't I probably would have given up. For something that should be so natural, it's not really. That's just my opinion of course. I find myself constantly wondering if Kai is eating enough and feel guilty when he cries assuming he's hungry and I didn't feed him enough. One of my favorite questions these days is "do you think he's hungry?"  The first couple of weeks I really struggled with the whole guilt thing. Kai was born at 7lbs 8oz and lost about a lb. It's normal for babies to lose about 10% of their body weight, but I couldn't get him to eat well and it was taking a little long for him to gain his birth weight back. My husband asked me yesterday if it was a good feeling knowing that I was the only one who could truly sooth Kai right now. It's a nice feeling in a way, but certainly weighs heavy on you as well.  Breast feeding gets easier every day.

To be continued....

Our Angel, Kai James Yu is Born...

Tuesday, August 10th started off like any other normal day had begun over the last several weeks of my pregnancy. I woke up urgently at 5:30 AM with my body telling me that I needed to go to the "bathroom". After engaging in the normal morning routine, I headed back to bed in hopes of getting another hour or so of sleep prior to settling into my new normal routine of working from home.  Upon doing so, my body was immediately stricken with what felt like mildly intense menstrual cramps. They were strong enough though that they caused me to nudge Constant on the shoulder and tell him that I thought I might be having contractions. In a sleep haze, he half acknowledged me and said that he would sleep in an hour or so and head to work a little later...just in case.

As I laid there trying to get back to sleep, a lot of thoughts crossed my mind. I wondered if this was going to be "labor day" and if so, why hadn't anyone ever described contractions to me as feeling like menstrual cramps. I also stressed out about not having my bags packed yet. I still didn't know what I wanted to wear to and from the birth center. Honestly though, being eight days away from my due date I really didn't think I was having real contractions. If anything I thought I might be having Braxton Hicks and at one point I even thought maybe I had food poisoning. I never experienced Braxton Hicks throughout my pregnancy and didn't really know what they felt like. In addition, I had not had a bloody show yet and my water had not broke either. Besides that, everyone knows that it is very common for first time moms to go into labor until at least their due date at the earliest. I had already envisioned myself on several occasions giving birth on Labor Day :-)  Knowing this, I really tried to relax and go back to the sleep, but what I was calling menstrual type cramps seemed to be getting stronger as I lay there. I think I even nudged Constant again and protested that these contractions may be real looking for some sort of dramatic reaction. I decided to get up out of bed and walk around the house a bit. We learned in our Bradley Class that there were a couple of things that we could do to stop false labor if that in fact was what I was having. Keeping these things in mind from around 6 AM to 8AM, I walked around a bit, tried to eat something, took a shower and even tried to go back to sleep. None of these things seemed to work at all and the contractions were becoming regular and were lasting longer. I had visited the bathroom at least five more times over this period of time and the toast that I ate didn't stay in  my system very long. In hindsight, I realized that my body was cleaning itself out.

At this point it was around 8:30 AM and even though I tried to convince Constant to go to work and that I would be fine, he refused to go to work and convinced me that it was time that he called the midwife to tell her that I was having contractions. He had wanted to call her several times before but every time he went to call her I broke down and cried. I was upset for two reasons. I did not want to be a dramatic first time mom and was upset that if I wasn't really in labor that I would be bothering my midwife and It finally it him me that I was scared to be in labor. A part of me thought that if we did not call the midwife than I wouldn't really be in labor.

Needless to say, Constant didn't listen to me and called my midwife. My midwife told Constant that is sounded like I was in the  "putsy, putsy" stage of labor and to call her back around 1pm.

From around 9 AM to about 11AM my contractions became really intense and I had an incredibly difficult time relaxing and using any of the techniques that I had learned in my Bradley Class to handle or ease the pain. Because of that, I got really upset with myself and started to feel really out of control.  Not knowing how long I was going to be in labor I was really upset that I wasn't going to be able to handle the pain for much longer. I remember thinking that people had lied to me about labor and contractions. I had understood it that I would have relief in between each contraction, but my contractions were right on top of each other. I honestly didn't know how I was going to have a natural childbirth. I tried to relax in bed and focus on an object on the wall, but laying in bed was extremely painful and I could not tolerate the pain. Anything that Constant tried to do or say to help relieve the pain or help me relax did not work  AT ALL. I repeat, did not help AT ALL. I am surprised he's still alive to be honest :-)
Constant had been timing my contractions using a blackberry contraction application. The application "notified" him that I should go to the hospital because I had been having contractions regularly for over an hour that were less than four minutes apart lasting for a minute. Also, noticing that my emotional sign posts" indicated that I was further along than we thought, he decided to call the midwife. My midwife said that I was clearly in labor and that we should come into the birth center. Shortly after the call, I got my "bloody show" and partially started to believe that I was in real labor.

At this point, I was in so much pain that I seriously thought about having the baby at home.Emotionally, I would describe myself as pretty much being an out of control, but was able to some how pack the final things up that I needed and make my way to the car. For those of you wondering, at this point, I really didn't give a shit  about what I wore to the birth center nor what I was going to wear home :-). It also didn't bother me that I wasn't able to cover up the bags under my eyes prior to leaving the house. The thought of driving a half hour to the birth center was horrific to me and let me tell you the ride was the most horrific ride I have ever experienced. We didn't even make it off of Red Squirrel Lane when I declared to Constant that I hated our car.

The ride to the birth center was horrific like I mentioned. Not only was the ride itself horrific, but the weather was horrific as well. It was easily in the high 80's and was humid as all hell.

We arrived to the birth center around noon. Everything was so surreal to me. I had been to the birth center countless times, but still couldn't believe that it was my time to have a baby. My midwife was already filling the birthing tub when we arrived because she knew that I had wanted to labor in the tub for pain management purposes.

My midwife checked me to see how far along I was. She said that I was 4 cm's dilated and 100% effaced. I was certain that my progress had digressed in the car and thought for certain that I was more than 4cm's dilated. Needless to say, I hopped into the birthing tub and felt immediate relief. The heat was awesome, but the relief was pretty brief.  I became pretty overwhelmed by the heat from the tub coupled by the fact that it was so hot out that day.

After about 15 to 20 mins of being in the tub, I felt the strong urge to go to the bathroom. In between contractions I managed to get out of the tub and walk to the bathroom. I labored in the bathroom for about 20 mins or so. For whatever reason I "enjoyed" laboring on the toilet as I felt safe. The contractions were really intense at this point and I remember not really caring how loud my moans were :-)

It was around 1:30PM ish at this point and I moved back into the tub. My water still had not broken. My midwife checked me after I got back into the tub to see how far along I was. I guess she realized by the intensity and frequency of my moans that it may be getting closer to giving birth. I was 9cm dilated. I think we were all in shock that I had progressed so rapidly. My midwife told me that she was not going to rupture my bag of waters and that it should be breaking any minute. Almost instantly after that it broke and the pressure relief was absolutely amazing. It was time to push, my baby was almost here.

Everything up to this point really had honestly cruised by, but the remainder of my labor and delivery seem to pass by almost instantly as it is almost a blurr to me. I believe I pushed five times at the most. Not that I didn't enjoy being pregnant, but I really wanted Kai out of me at this point. I gave each push everything I had. I think I scared Constant because admittedly I was grunting. I remember thinking that my throat was even sore.

After the fifth push or so, Kai came out and honestly, I didn't even really know that he was all the way out. I knew something came out, but I thought maybe it was just his head. My midwife immediately grabbed him from under the water and brought him to my chest. Just like that I was a mother and our sweet baby angel, Kai James Yu was born.

Here we are just moments after birth.

Moments after birth. Our Midwife Val cleaning out Kai's lungs.

About 5-10 mins after birth...I had moved from the tub to the bed. Our Midwife Crissy is on the right.

Testing Kai's sucking abilities. We are already in love!

I'm posting this picture becuase I can't believe how swollen my face was!!!

Daddy with his little man!

                                                                        Grandma with Kai

Grandpa & Grandma

Kai James Yu

7lbs. 8oz

20.5 Inches

8/10/10

Week 38 and about 11 More days to Go...

Week 38 officially hit on Wednesday which also coincided with my midwife appointment. All is well in baby land. I am not sure if it is because I am working from home now, but my blood pressure was down to 114. The baby's HB was 144. He is still in good positioning. I've been taking long walks all week to try and get him to descend more. I'm not sure if it is working, but the walks make me feel a lot better- the fresh summer air is amazing and it's nice to have some time to relax,  reflect and day dream.  Every day this week I saw the same elderly couple walking, no matter if I walked at 7am or if it was closer to 11am. Sort of makes me wonder if they are out walking for hours every day. I've wondered what they thought of me waddling along, trying to waddle at a pace that didn't scream 9 months pregnant.  Luckily where we live in rural Chester, NH, I have easy access to older, pot filled roads that are lined with trees that overhang the roads. I find this environment amazingly peaceful and even though I have to dodge potholes, it feels right at home to me. Occasionally I will see a horse strolling down the road and of course I am always greeted by several different dogs. All older dogs, never puppies it seems. While on my walks I try to envision myself walking with my little man...who knows if that will be today or next week, but God please not next month. I wonder if he will be a country bumpkin like myself or if he will prefer city living like his father.

Earlier this week I attended my last series of 4 La Leche League Classes. For those of you that have never attended a LLL meeting, but have any interest in breastfeeding at all, I would highly recommend the classes. I've found them to be extremely informational and a great support network for mothers. I've really appreciated hearing moms talk about their experiences and sharing so openly. I hope to continue classes after my little man is born.

To get the meetings started they usually ask for introductions since the class is never made up of the same people from week to week. We had a new leader this week who has recently moved to the area from Albany, NY and she asked us to introduce our self and talk about the first time we realized that we were amazing.  Has anyone ever asked you that question? What would you say if you were asked? Do you know or believe that you are truly amazing? Ask a fellow women friend today when they realized they were amazing and you'll be surprised at the responses...