My Cutie Patootie

My Future Model?

 I've been going into to work for 6am so C does school drop off and I do pick up. He's been sending me pictures at work of how he's dressed our little man. Don't you just want to eat him up?

I captured this lovely smile today while Kai Bear was in his bumbo. This smile lights up my day. Love him.

You've Got This...

I knew from the minute I found out that I was pregnant that I wanted to breastfeed Kai. I had heard stories that it could be difficult, but that didn't bother me.  In my experience, pretty much anything worth doing or fighting for hasn't necessarily been easy. I was up for the challenge. In typical me fashion, I read, I consulted and I joined. I was ready to take on breast feeding head on (no pun intending). There were some hiccups in the beginning, but in all sincerity thanks to my great friends and support networks I conquered the bumps and have been going strong for the last three months. I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been necessarily easy, but for Kai it has been well worth being  "inconvenienced". So as you know, on 11/2 I rejoined the work force with pump in hand. Though I was very worried about my milk production and keeping up with Kai's demand, I never once gave much thought to the fact that I wouldn't "enjoy" pumping at work. I thought it would be a breeze as I was one of the fortunate breast feeding working moms that had an office with a door. I saw (well not literally) my friend Katie pump for several months at work and it seemed like a breeze.  Again, I was wrong. On a side note, how is it possible that I can be wrong this many times? As if going back to work wasn't hard enough, pumping at work has definitely made it that much more difficult. In fact, since this is my blog, I'm going to be totally honest, I hate it. I hate the whole thing. I hate lugging the damn thing and it's side kick "the milk cooler" around.  I hate being "exposed" in my office. I hate scheduling the time to pump...wah, wah, wah...the whole thing feels incredibly unnatural to me.

I'm literally taking it one day at a time and repeating the words that my sister in law said to me last weekend...you've got this....

Back to Work Blues

It was inevitable that the dreaded November 2nd would eventually catch up to me and I would have to rejoin the ranks as a working mom. It came, I cried, and cried some more...two weeks later I can't say that I am over it, I guess I've just gotten numb to it. Rather than crying in the morning, my new routine consists of crying in the evening after I pick up my little guy. I really thought that when I picked Kai up at "school" the first day that he would greet me with a big huge smile. You know, the smile that I've worked hard to capture a picture of. The smile that melts my heart and lifts my sorrows. Nope, that wasn't the case. I swear I am not this naive. Kai pretty much acted like he didn't know me, sort of like Bentley does after a weekend away at doggy day care. I really wondered if Bentley got to Kai first and taught him this. All of my kids, 4 legged or two legged have already aligned forces. Yeah so that pretty much broke my heart that he didn't seem to have any noticeable bond to me. The last three months I've been sort of secretly relishing that I was Kai's best friend and that I could sooth him in a second. That's not the case anymore...in one short day at school we are no longer BFF's. If the truth be told, I've wondered if his teachers have wondered if he's unhappy at home. I've tried different approaches to the pick up routine, but ultimately as soon as I pick him up he cries. Not only does this break my heart, it brings back vivid memories of the feeling I get when I pick up other infants and they cry as soon I pick them up. For clarification purposes, Kai's cry isn't just some subtle whimpering it's an inconsolable cry. If I didn't feel guilty enough before, it's in full force now.