Kai is 4 Months Old

It's Saturday morning and I am sitting here thinking about all of the things I need to do this weekend and I remember that I haven't written in my blog in nearly a month (Thanks Katie for the friendly reminder).
I am hoping that one day soon I will get into the motherly baby groove where I can graciously tackle all of the items on my to-do list and still have time to cook dinner and looked put together. I am hopeful.

Kai James was officially four months old yesterday. 4 months old. Wow, where does the time go. He's getting to be such a big boy. He's roughly around 16lbs. It's amazing how many changes we see from week to week and even day to day. He's still very serious, but pops a smile much easier now and giggles quite frequently. His cheeks are growing equally as fast which makes it harder for me to see any sign of a dimple.

I didn't think it would come this early, but we had an "incident" at school earlier this week. I actually had to sign an "incident report" and all. One of Kai's friends dropped himself and a toy on Kai's forehead leaving a minor scratch the size of my middle finger on his head. He's recovering quite nicely..teehee. I am glad my baby is fine and that the school took the incident seriously, but it's sort of a little silly to see how much of a production was made...I am sure this will be the first of many scrapes and "incidents" we deal with. The first thing Constant said when I when I told him was "which kid was it". As if that really matters..the kid that did it couldn't have been any more than 6 or 7 months old. *chuckle*.

It was a very big week of memorable moments this week at school. On Thursday I got a note on Kai's daily report that he was flirting with Ava. They were both doing tummy time facing each other and apparently Kai was smiling and giggling and yes, FLIRTING with her. What a tramp Ava is...she's a new arrival to the school and already enticing my son to flirt with her! I can see where this is going.

Here are some Christmas Photos of My Santa Babe. Love this guy!!!!

My Cutie Patootie

My Future Model?

 I've been going into to work for 6am so C does school drop off and I do pick up. He's been sending me pictures at work of how he's dressed our little man. Don't you just want to eat him up?

I captured this lovely smile today while Kai Bear was in his bumbo. This smile lights up my day. Love him.

You've Got This...

I knew from the minute I found out that I was pregnant that I wanted to breastfeed Kai. I had heard stories that it could be difficult, but that didn't bother me.  In my experience, pretty much anything worth doing or fighting for hasn't necessarily been easy. I was up for the challenge. In typical me fashion, I read, I consulted and I joined. I was ready to take on breast feeding head on (no pun intending). There were some hiccups in the beginning, but in all sincerity thanks to my great friends and support networks I conquered the bumps and have been going strong for the last three months. I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been necessarily easy, but for Kai it has been well worth being  "inconvenienced". So as you know, on 11/2 I rejoined the work force with pump in hand. Though I was very worried about my milk production and keeping up with Kai's demand, I never once gave much thought to the fact that I wouldn't "enjoy" pumping at work. I thought it would be a breeze as I was one of the fortunate breast feeding working moms that had an office with a door. I saw (well not literally) my friend Katie pump for several months at work and it seemed like a breeze.  Again, I was wrong. On a side note, how is it possible that I can be wrong this many times? As if going back to work wasn't hard enough, pumping at work has definitely made it that much more difficult. In fact, since this is my blog, I'm going to be totally honest, I hate it. I hate the whole thing. I hate lugging the damn thing and it's side kick "the milk cooler" around.  I hate being "exposed" in my office. I hate scheduling the time to pump...wah, wah, wah...the whole thing feels incredibly unnatural to me.

I'm literally taking it one day at a time and repeating the words that my sister in law said to me last weekend...you've got this....

Back to Work Blues

It was inevitable that the dreaded November 2nd would eventually catch up to me and I would have to rejoin the ranks as a working mom. It came, I cried, and cried some more...two weeks later I can't say that I am over it, I guess I've just gotten numb to it. Rather than crying in the morning, my new routine consists of crying in the evening after I pick up my little guy. I really thought that when I picked Kai up at "school" the first day that he would greet me with a big huge smile. You know, the smile that I've worked hard to capture a picture of. The smile that melts my heart and lifts my sorrows. Nope, that wasn't the case. I swear I am not this naive. Kai pretty much acted like he didn't know me, sort of like Bentley does after a weekend away at doggy day care. I really wondered if Bentley got to Kai first and taught him this. All of my kids, 4 legged or two legged have already aligned forces. Yeah so that pretty much broke my heart that he didn't seem to have any noticeable bond to me. The last three months I've been sort of secretly relishing that I was Kai's best friend and that I could sooth him in a second. That's not the case anymore...in one short day at school we are no longer BFF's. If the truth be told, I've wondered if his teachers have wondered if he's unhappy at home. I've tried different approaches to the pick up routine, but ultimately as soon as I pick him up he cries. Not only does this break my heart, it brings back vivid memories of the feeling I get when I pick up other infants and they cry as soon I pick them up. For clarification purposes, Kai's cry isn't just some subtle whimpering it's an inconsolable cry. If I didn't feel guilty enough before, it's in full force now.

10 Weeks...clock won't you please slow down...

Kai is ten weeks old today. Where did the time go? I hate to overuse this statement, but I still can't get my arms around how fast the time has gone by since Kai was born. As it gets closer to the end of my maternity leave it seems that time speeds up even faster and the lump in my throat grows even bigger. I'm absolutely dreading going back to work. Everyone tells me that this is normal, but I truly wish it didn't have to be the norm. I've never wanted to spend so much time with someone in my life. I've never gushed over anyone or anything as much in my life. I'm very happy being a mother. I like this new role. I love my new label. Not a lot of people know this about me, but up until a few years ago I never thought I wanted children. In fact, when Constant and I first started dating I told him that I didn't want kids so if that was something that he wanted in his life that he should consider not dating me. I guess I've always feared not being a good parent. I feared that I would always be selfish and choose satisfying myself first over the needs of my child. I didn't want to be this kind of parent. Clearly my desires changed about having a child. Though ten weeks into it, I'm still scared as hell of not being a good parent, I look forward to this journey and am ready for the challenge. Being a mother is the hardest job that I've ever had. The most gratifying, but certainly the most difficult and it's only just begun. For the last ten years, I've devoted myself to building my career and ended up working in a male dominated defense industry. Let me tell you, the men that I work with in these senior positions have nothing on mothers. I'm saddened  that mothers don't earn the same amount of respect and not even close to the paycheck. I would give my career up in heart beat to stay home with my little guy. Money can't buy smiles like this one.

At Kai's two month appointment yesterday (10 weeks old) he weighed in at 12lbs 12 oz. He grew two inches and is now 23.5 inches. They measured his head in inches yesterday and it was 15 inches. I have yet to do the conversion to cm's. He also had the dtap and the rotavirus vaccinations. These were his first shots. It killed me to give them to him, but he seemed to handle them like a champ.



Look at this Sweet Beauty

My very favorite photographer, Michelle, of La Bella Luce Photography captured these precious pictures of my little angel back in August. I am so thankful that I found Michelle (actually thank you Joanne D and Facebook for connecting us). There have been many times in my life that I've said "Damn, I wish I would have done that/captured that/said that, etc"...this is one of those times that I followed through and am ever so grateful that I did.  These are some absolutely amazing pictures and I tear up when I look at them. I can't believe my baby is so precious!! I can't wait to to show Kai's future wife these pictures!!
Not only do I have precious memories to look back on, I had the opportunity to also meet an amazing and extremely talented woman who has inspired to me to seek out my true passion in life.

Here are some of my favorites and please respect La Bella Luce Photography and the copyright!

Where did the Time Go?

Kai is 9 weeks old and I am not sure where the time went. I have so many things that I wanted to share, but frankly finding time to think these days is nearly impossible and getting on the computer is definitely and act of god. Yesterday in one of our only outings over the last nine weeks we went to Target. On the way home, driving Constant's "new to us" wagon,  I was thinking about how my life has changed since Kai was born. One thing that immediately came to mind is that I have become so much more appreciative and truly thankful for the small things. I've been very blessed in my life. Though I always said I was thankful and yes, intellectually I do realize that I have been blessed, I'm not sure if I ever truly internally felt blessed. I think in fact I took things for granted.  I'm not sure if anyone will know what I mean...maybe I am having one of those weird mom moments. For example, Kai went back to sleep after his 8am feeding this morning and I have a couple of minutes to myself. I am so incredibly thankful for those couple of minutes. Those extra minutes gave me time to drink my coffee like the old days...you know with passion, savoring each drink. These days I drink my coffee with purpose truly needing the caffeine to fuel my day. This is just one tiny example of how my life has changed and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Photo by La Bella Luce Photography